Autopsy of my LOVE

L O V E

The act of being voluntarily vulnerable is something that I've witnessed many times and yet it's still so foreign to me. Weeks ago, I stumbled upon Necole Bitchie personal post  and saw my home girl suffered from the same Cupid Kryptonite. Her post talked about her struggle with love and as I read the more it reflected my own hardships. Like most girls, I too, get questioned why  I'm single like a dollar bill.  So for the last two weeks I went on a mission to uncover the truth. So here's my autopsy to my inner Joan, Carrie Bradshaw, and Julia...


Disclaimer: Photo used in post was from Spring Break 2011. That's really fat Tuesdays in the picture and not me!


As Necole did in her post I decided to go straight to the source. After searching my phone  through  one too many space fillers I found myself on the numbers that were no longer saved. The ones that I promised myself that I would rather chew my arm off before I ever dialed them again. Alright I'm exaggerating a little, but you get my drift. After working up some courage I decided to contact two guys that had the chance to see me to my core. I mean there's no way to fully understand your past to than to pick the brains of those that lived it with you.

SweetHeart Lover

I don't know if it was his height or his southern twang or both that sent chills down my spine when I first laid eyes on him jamming to Soluja Boy at my first college party. I never would of thought that an on and off  5 year saga would of transpired from that night. 

He's the most blunt yet caring guy I have ever met. While most let me get away with my BS this guy called me out every dang time. Looking back I never even told him this, but I cared deeply for him. I mean it's not every guy that I came across that I would give 5am wake up calls to and write papers for at a time that I had heavy clientele lmbo. Now you got your back story this is what here had to say.

No need to pick up your jaw don't worry mine drops too every time I read it. Guess you're wondering what happened huh. Well he was beyond good to me a little rude here and there, but most definitely when we first started talking my freshman year college he quickly won me over. Only guy I can say I have been so mushy with till this day lol But you see I just wasn't readyyy for something so serious. I had this new found college freedom so I did in my mind was the best thing for me. I pushed him away. Away till the point where he easily grew irritated with my antics and dropped me just like I thought I wanted. 

Now since we're all getting to know me I've done this whole dating an athlete thing one too many times and I was damned to be left again. So I pushed him away just like he said. I went more ghost than Casper.  Reading his responses only made me feel guilty. Guilty because I ran  from him more times than Julia Roberts did in runaway bride. So to makes amends with our past I owe you an apology seeing as up until those text messages I still let lies slip on by. To J, I am truly sorry for all my BS, lies and drunken calls from NYE 2010. While I never allowed our hearts to meet I know that you will make a woman  beyond happy and the mother to an Olympic baby lol

NoMid No Mind 

After that text convo I moved on to someone who took my life on a whirlwind. Lawd I can write a book on this guy ... no forreal that is what I am planning to do lol. I learned so much about myself from him. I learned that I could actually be vulnerable without any fear. Now I would be lying if I said I didn't run from every feeling that I have ever felt for him, but that was with good reason. Without further ado I'll let him have his piece.

#Question1 what's the hardest part about getting to know Kolleh

The hardest part of getting to know Kolleh is getting passed Kolleh and getting to know Tomeka. Kolleh is a very cool and friendly person but few people really get to know Tomeka. Of course it's not at  fault of her own when you have one too many bad experiences like she did. Letting people in and they forget to take their shoes off only to start wiping mud off, she started to tend to keep people at arms length.

#Question2 What intrigued you most about her

 I would have to say her sense of "humor" is one of a kind. Kolleh has that type of humor where she cracks herself up, I mean she will really just bust a gut laughing at her own joke. Now some might not see that as an intriguing quality but I beg to differ. People who can find joy and laughter in the small things are hard to find now a days. It also shows a high sense of self worth. So her being able to laugh at her own jokes, even if they aren't funny makes her unique.

#Question3 Word to the wise- how to win her heart

I don't think that I am qualified to speak on winning her heart, seeing as I never did but if I had to give advice to someone I would have to say be as honest and genuine as you possibly can. One thing that she will always do is keep it 100% real with you no matter the situation and if you are trying to win her hear then she will expect that from you. Honest is the best policy if you looking to catch you a Kolleh. 

I was shocked to hear him say that he was intrigued by my humor since he rarely laughed at any of my jokes. If anyone ever asked me what was one of my best qualities I would have never in a million years guessed that my humor would be so valued. 

He was wrong with one thing though. Somewhere in the midst of our rapture he won my whole heart, but my pride at the time would of never let those words escape from my lips. That love has been far lost as well as any sort of salvaged friendship but I will always cherish everything he did for me and the memories we shared.

 Here I was thinking I was such a great catch, but in reality I may be a tad bit of a headache. I was taken back because after reading both of their responses and finally realized just how complicated it can be to love a girl like me. I mean I know I'm the easiest to deal with, but I can't be that bad? Right? Well leave it to my friends to tell it I am wrong. Tune in tomorrow for Part. 2

Xoxo Kolleh