My heart was broken at the end of last year and it wasn't from a love interest, but yet from an unexpected life plunge. Having someone abruptly snatched from me is something that has occurred too frequently in the past few years for my liking. While I choked back all my emotions just to get by from day to day, life took me on another turn that introduced me to everything that I had been running from....
"Sat up in the dark for so long
Just livin' my life on my own then
Right up out of the blue
Bumped into you
I was so amused
By your smile boo"
Paths Collide
The party was in full swing and as I waited for my friend to come back from the bathroom I awkwardly stood in a corner hoping to not attract any unwanted guests. I usually come alive in the night time, but this particular night I regretted leaving my throne okay okay my couch. As my eyes scanned the room for any "talent" I told myself the least I could do was make the best of this night seeing as we weren't leaving anytime soon.
As we made our way to the dance floor I found myself once again standing there as my friend greeted and introduced me to the many people she knew whom of which I paid no never mind. I felt a light tap on my shoulder and I swiveled on my heel to come face to face with the dready head I had spotted earlier. “You look amazing in that dress you must work out a lot” he asked. I laughed a little and squinted my eyes to get a better look at him in his entirety. I hated to admit to him that the last time I worked consistently was for spring break 2012. After we both shared another laugh I found out that he was 28, worked on the same block as me, and didn't eat meat. Someway somehow small talk led us to dancing for 5 songs straight. As my friends would tell it this is a typical night for me. I gave him my number that night not expecting anything to come from this encounter I mean everyone knows you can't find love in the club.
"Wanting you to call my phone
So me you can talk just a little more
I didn't know what to do I was feelin' you
Hopin' you would be cool of hangin' out too"
Faith Restored
Deconte laughed at me as I took extra time getting ready that Monday morning. I mean you just never know who you could run into right? As I was swamped with work as usual a text came in from the unsaved number I had been texting the previous day. Lunch? A part of me wanted to lie and say that I was busy, but the part of me who beat my face to gawds that morning said you'd be a fool not too. I took my sweet time making my way down to the lobby only to be greeted by the same man who made me nervous from two nights before. Our two hour lunch was filled with laughs, stories from our past, and a friendly mouse. There I sat across from man who was accomplished, traveled the world, and spoke another language. I couldn't fathom in that moment what he could possibly see in me. My own insecurities deemed me unworthy of his time and as I retreated back to work with him in tow I made it up in my mind this would be our last encounter.
"Biggest blessing
They can keep on askin'
How I go to sleep mad one day
The next wake up so happy?
Well love works like magic
And it's so true my mind can't grasp it"
Welllll one date, turned into two, two turned into four. In the span of two weeks we had gone out 7 times which is more dates than I went on the whole of 2012 and 2013 combined. While many girls would bask in the moment I found my self analyzing his every move looking for a reason of how this could go wrong. Slowly but surely I was able to live in the present. You see with him I tried banana pudding for the first time in my then 23 years, with him I was taught to play pool like the girls in the movies, and with him we walked along the water just under Brooklyn bridge. To say I was taken back would be an understatement. Here I was battling one of the most trying times of my life and he was the pleasant distraction that the G O D must of sent for me to escape. His actions never left my mind to wonder like so many did in my past. Unlike my past his is patient with me. From waiting for me in the lobby for 45 minutes just to say hello at the end of the work day to waiting a month before we shared our first kiss. He's protective of my well being. He always walks on the outside of the street and use to frequently scold me when I dragged my feet with the launch of this site.
It's that girl in the middle that no one sees.She's the one that Jenae said that was fragile and so delicate. Those pictures were take all in the same day and yet no one would ever guess. Like the great philosopher Yonce once said "Know I'm not the girl you thought you knew and that you wanted Underneath the pretty face is something complicated" Meeting him didn't make my insecurities vanish, it didn't destroy the great wall of Tochina, and it didn't erase the troubles in my life. You know I didn't save his number until two months of meeting him out of the fear of getting too attached. Y'all in fact told me not to let him meet my mama lol I let my problems get the best of me and while many nights I yearned to confide in him my past kept me from doing so. By no means am I in love or even in a relationship hell at this point I'm still very far from both. This quest to understand my singledom allowed me to see myself from a whole new angle that unmasked my insecurities and self inflicted flaws. This mission has enabled me to finally bury the Julia that I have harbored. As women we think that we're ready for this amazing guy to walk into our lives and rid us of our past, but I've learned from all of this that you have to make amends with yourself first.
To Yog -no it's not his actual name so don't try googling him lol- I still don't know what you see in a ratchet girl like me. You've made laugh when the world set me up for a face full of tears. You made me nervous and yet the most confident I've felt in a long time. No matter where we go from here I whole heartedly thank you for restoring my faith in L O V E. You are the real MVP, rude and all.
Love isn't scary for me anymore. I've grown in these two weeks to finally let go of all of my fears. "I'm not perfect" -Porsha Stewart Voice- but I can say that I will try my very best. This isn't a fairytale, but I can say I've checked out of the heartbreak hotel.LOL. And well that's all folks until my book release in 2020!
Xoxo BAPS
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