Part II: Brutal Honesty

So yesterday I posted  Part I of my mission to discover why I am single and I must say one can definitely learn a lot from an old flame.  After reading those responses from my former lovers about a thousand and one times I came to the conclusion that Me, Myself  is still a great catch. I mean I'm independent, driven, a future Olympic baby breeder, and a new found comedic genius. Plus if I dished out so much BS my friends would of surely told me before this mission right....But boy was I more wrong than the time I thought I could use baby powder as a substitute for carpet fresh.

How couldn't Thomas and Tomeka be Bros after all we stem from the same namesake. To Generation Ratchete' he would be considered my male best-friend but to me he's the Nigg. Seeing as we talk daily I just knew he would give me insight that stood in my favor..well so I thought. 

Initial Thoughts 

Food Judge? The hell is he trying to imply that I'm some sort of Man Eater? He knows first hand that I have given out many chances and why is he mentioning my weak moments! I confided in him about the times I failed to have better judgement and he got the nerve to  use that as an intro. So what if I'm not always pressed for a relationship. So what if I put my career first. Does that mean that I don't want to experience love first hand. NO!

Reality

As you can see I went into straight defense mode. Which is probably why many people aren't as real as they should be with their friends. I picked apart his answers without even giving it any deep thought. He's right after seeing the damage that can be done when one is careless with their heart I have grown to be selective with the guys I give me time to. You see I've wasted my time on him, he, and Tyrone too and at this point I refuse to keep a person around just to wake up to a couple of text messages. 

Career: Well there was that one time that I had to finish a press report and had to cancel my date last minute. Then there was that one time that I had to stay late working a  movie premier and ruined a surprise a guy planned for me. Ohhh then there was that time I left him waiting down in the lobby for 45 minutes because I was in an impromptu meeting with my boss. I thought guys liked an ambitious girl until it left them on the back burner. I really try to make time for my love life, but somewhere along the way work always gets in the way. 

"We be laughing We be laughing" at all the screen shots that I send him from my estranged lovers. He even asked me if I could record the time I had to cut off my stage 5 clinger so I just knew he would understand my singledom....

Initial Thoughts 

Oh you just took it too dang far. Carousel really, would you have liked me to keep going round and around with Mr.Fine Print, or how about my stage 5 clinger that come to find out had a whole baby on the way, or it gets even  better how about the guy that went on to inform me that he had 3 baby mamas and two kids? I've never watched Seinfield so what are you even talking about sir!

Reality

I guess those guys from my first picture took a ride on my imaginary carousel. They had a lot to offer, but just like he stated I gave them the boot after a short lived ride. By no means were they perfect, but I guess love is about accepting a person flaws and all.  I hardly ever give anyone a real chance. I can look back now and see that I am secretly the queen of stringing people along just as he once did me. Now that I think about it there's no telling how many guys that may have added me to their blocked list.

How did I get here, How did I end up Here

From the beginning, middle, to the end it's not a detail that's untrue. She compiled it in such a way I never even thought to myself.  I swerved and hurdled over every guy who claimed he was so "serious" about me. That unexpected turn came when he was able to slither through the cracks through my great wall of ToChina. For the first time I allowed my self to be vulnerable with someone. I found myself pushing my wants and needs aside for his happiness. Heck I even taped into my inner Betty Crocker and Suzey homemaker. Looking back he didn't deserve not an teaspoon of my love and while I would like to place the whole blame on him I can't. 

Some where between playing "you made a fool out of me" and Fantasia "free yourself" I realized that my heart had been shattered by someone I entrusted. I was mad at him for playing me, but I was more enraged at myself for being so stupid and so weak minded.

My good friend LJ once told me it's a girls fault when her heart gets broken. I cussed him out that day, but now I completely understood his logic. Us women we forgive, forgive, and forgive all while not acknowledging the fact that we're enabling a person to break our hearts. Many woman will never admit to their insecurities so they mask them with strength. I'm not always confident that others have the ability to love me so I use my strength to keep them at an arms length ......

But all that seemed to have slowly changed after one night out in January......Part III coming soon

Xoxo Kolleh